In a move that can only be described as extra pumped and slathered in patriotic sweat, President Donald Trump today signed an executive order mandating that all gym exercises named after a foreign country or city be renamed with unapologetically American branding.

Standing on a stage flanked by rows of Marines performing “Freedom Split Squats” (formerly known as Bulgarian Split Squats) and “Liberty Deadlifts” (RIP, Romanian Deadlift), Trump declared, “Folks, we’re taking back our gyms. No more confusing names like... Turkish Get-Up? What even is that? It’s now the ‘Patriot Power-Up.’ So much better, right? Everybody loves it. The best. Tremendous exercise.”

Predictably, the fitness industry responded with the kind of bootlicking enthusiasm you’d expect from companies desperate to win favor with a man who thinks cardio is walking to the golf cart. Planet Fitness was first out of the gate, rebranding its group classes to feature the new “Stars-and-Stripes Curl” (formerly Nordic Curl) and the “American Cheese Ball” (goodbye, Swiss Ball). “We’re proud to lead the charge in making exercise American again,” said a spokesperson, who was last seen trying to explain the difference between a dumbbell and a Big Mac to a Secret Service agent.

Not to be outdone, Gold’s Gym, now “Gold Eagle Gym,” announced a special promotion: Complete a set of “Florida Presses” (formerly Cuban Press) and get a free coupon for a protein shake called the “Democracy Drip.” Their new slogan? “Where the sweat meets the Constitution!” If there’s one thing George Washington wanted, it was biceps with liberty.

Even McDonald’s got in on the action. In a historic partnership, the Russian Twist will now be known as the “McDonald’s McTwist™,” to be performed exclusively while holding a McFlurry. “It’s a win-win for fitness and fast food,” Trump beamed, pausing to flex and take a bite of a Quarter Pounder.

The Official All-American Exercise Lineup:

• Bulgarian Split Squat → Freedom Split Squat

• Romanian Deadlift → Liberty Deadlift

• Turkish Get-Up → Patriot Power-Up

• Cuban Press → Florida Press

• Nordic Curl → Stars-and-Stripes Curl

• Swiss Ball → American Cheese Ball

• Russian Twist → McDonald’s McTwist™ (in partnership with McDonald’s, “I’m liftin’ it!”)

Of course, not everyone was thrilled about this muscle-bound makeover. Critics accused the president of engaging in cultural erasure. “This is a ridiculous attempt to whitewash our workout routines,” said one trainer, who then ducked as a MAGA hat was hurled at their head. Even the humble yoga mat — now the “Freedom Flex Pad” — got caught in the crossfire. “The only thing less American than this is counting your reps in kilometers,” muttered a disillusioned gym-goer.

Meanwhile, social media exploded with the predictable mix of outrage and memes. Hashtags like #LibertyDeadlift and #McTwist trended as users gleefully photoshopped the Statue of Liberty holding a kettlebell instead of her torch. One viral tweet simply read, “Who needs Russian Twists when you can have McTwists with fries?”

President Trump, as always, was unfazed by the backlash. “The reviews are coming in, folks. They’re saying this is the best thing to happen to exercise since McDonald’s invented the Shamrock Shake,” he boasted during a follow-up press conference. To prove his point, he awkwardly attempted a Freedom Split Squat, declared it “the best push-up I’ve ever done,” and promptly called it a day.

Insiders say this is just the beginning. Rumor has it that next on the agenda is renaming international stretches. Prepare yourselves for “Justice Hamstring Reach” and “Patriot Calf Raise.” Because when it comes to American exceptionalism, not even your glutes are safe.

In Trump’s America, you don’t lift foreign weights. You lift liberty. And then you immediately pull a muscle.

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